Trust in Relationships
|What’s at the root of your argument?
Relationship arguments tend to be fundamentally about versions of the question “Can I rely on you?”
Examples
1. Can I rely on you to comfort me effectively when I need it?
2. Can I rely on you to support my exploration in the world?
3. Can I rely on you to come back and connect with me after you’ve been out doing your own thing?
4. Can I trust that you will respond with kindness if I share my deepest feelings & fears with you?
5. Can I trust that you will share your deepest feelings with me so I can truly connect with you?
6. Can I rely on you to work together to repair our bond when forgiveness is needed, we’ve hurt each other’s feelings, or not been responsive to each other?
7. Can I rely on you to be interested in me, and that I can get your attention?
8. Can I rely on you to be interested in my perspective?
9. Can I rely on you to let me be my own independent person?
10. Can I rely on to see me in a positive light overall and as a person for worth?
11. Can I rely on you to do activities together that will generate positive emotions for us both and help us feel close?
12. Can I rely on you to be available to me for physical comfort and nurturing?
13. Can I rely on you to share tasks together?
14. Can I rely on you to not jeopardize my feelings of safety and security?
15. Can I rely on you that your needs will not be so great that there will be no room for my needs?
16. Can I rely on you to consider me in decisions that will affect me?
17. Can I rely on you to be faithful to me?
18. Can I rely on you to help me when I’m tired?
19. Can I rely on you not to abandon me?
20. Can I rely on you to work together when something needs to be sorted, rather than withdrawing or attacking me?
21. Can I rely on you to let me have the space to calm myself down when I need to do that?
22. Can I rely on you to see my attempts to connect, even when I don’t quite get it right i.e., not be rejecting?
23. Can I rely on you to know my buttons and to try not to press them, even when we’re talking about difficult topics?
Attachment Relationships Have Two Main Functions:
Secure Base = a base from which to explore and return back to.
Safe Haven = for comforting when you need it.
Can you see how the above two functions map onto many of the “Can I rely on you?” examples.