Practical Tips for Enhancing Your Body Image and Sex Life

I recently did an interview for an upcoming edition of Glamour (a US women’s magazine). The journalist Genevieve Field asked me for some tips about body image. Here’s what I said (slightly edited). The interview was much longer than the questions below but this is the practical advice part.

What advice would you give women on how to find enjoy their sex lives and their relationships in general, even when they aren’t happy with their body weight? (I’m sure the answer is much more complex than just ‘lose weight’!)

I wrote:

Lots of tips. Here are a selection:

BOTH men and women typically rate interpersonal qualities (Warmth/trustworthiness: understanding, supportive, kind, good listener, sensitive, considerate) as more important to them in a partner than attractiveness, so try to be those things! If you have depression or anxiety etc then get treatment so it doesn’t impact your relationship (and of course for your own well being).

If you have only ever tried to improve your body image by changing your body then try out improving your body image in other ways. The key is to experiment with different strategies and see what works best for you. Aim for improvement in body image rather than to eliminate all moments of body dissatisfaction since aiming for perfect body image is likely to lead to you giving up or becoming frustrated.

Try “Acting as if” you are confident about your body. At least to some extent your thoughts and feelings will catch up with your actions. If you have high body dissatisfaction currently, try acting as if you are moderately confident about your body. Don’t wait until you feel confident about your body to try sexual behaviours you’re interested in (e.g. talking during sex or acting out fantasies). Make a habit of trying things you’re curious about even when you feel self conscious initially. Changing your behaviour is likely to lead to changes in your thoughts and feelings about your body.

To improve your body confidence, reduce avoidant coping: Avoidant coping is coping aimed at avoiding experiencing particular thoughts, feelings, or sensations. But – it tends to lead to worse anxiety, more severe problems, and greater unhappiness over time.

Eg.

– If you only wear dark colored clothing because light colored clothing makes you feel aware of your body then try wearing light colored clothing.

– If you avoid weighing yourself because you’re scared of feeling upset by the number then develop a habit of weighing yourself once a week regardless of how you’re feeling to break the cycle of avoidant coping.

– Both dieting and overeating can be forms of avoidant coping regarding poor body image because both can be used to temporarily reduce distressing thoughts and feelings about one’s body. Re: dieting – people try to reduce body distress by trying to change their bodies. Re: overeating – people try to obliterate their feelings!

– Invite your partner to touch the parts of your body you feel self conscious about e.g. to touch your tummy in a loving way. Or you can do this yourself e.g. touch the parts of your own body that you feel dissatisfaction about – in caring, loving, gentle way.

2. Do activities that cause you to see your body as a source of pleasure rather than unhappiness e.g. dancing or swimming or whatever you’re interested in. Focusing on your body might make you feel more body image distress when you start out, but if you have a sense you like the activity then persist with it for awhile – focusing on your body during the activity should start to feel more comfortable over time.

3. Consciously and on purpose, support other women who exhibit positive body image. E.g. If you liked Meryl Streep’s sex scene in Julie & Julia then have a conversation with others about liking this aspect of the movie. The action of supporting positive body image in other adult women (especially if they are of similar age, weight etc to you) is likely to subtly influence your own thoughts and feelings about your body/sex life/relationship.

4. A technique from eating disorders treatment is to look at yourself in a full length mirror (you can do this with light clothing on) and go from head to toe using neutral, descriptive language (NOT evaluative language) to describe your whole body IN A LOT OF DETAIL. Don’t skip over any parts of your body. It takes around 15 mins, maybe a little longer. The idea is to break the links between focusing on your body and evaluating your body. Repeat this a few times on different days.

Any advice for women who tend to gain weight when they are in long term relationships?

I wrote:

The mechanisms causing this will be different from person to person. See a clinical psychology PhD to understand what the mechanisms causing this are FOR YOU. The mechanisms might be more complex psychological mechanisms, or they might be more simple behavioural mechanisms (e.g. he likes eating dessert every night so you get into the habit of eating dessert every night), or a combination. A psychology PhD should be able to help you with both types of mechanisms.

Try to catch when you’re using relationship-related justifications for overeating e.g. “it’s impossible for me not to eat pizza when my partner orders it.”